Sean Darby Rules!
Below are some short storys and parodys written by the man himself Sean Darby.
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All Hail the Mighty Sean Darby
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Empty House
.geez i'm really not sure how to begin this letter, so
i'll steal the beginning from a full house episode...
still of one of many cookie cutter houses on a steep
hill is san francisco (suggesting that it could be
anyone's house and that all of the stories can pertain
to your life) -cheesy sax solo with fading synthesizer
tempo heard in the background-
cut to kitchen scene
close up on one of the young olsen twins (before there
newly sprouting hersey-kiss like breasts started to
catch the eye of bob sagat) standing with one foot on
a wobbley stool, reaching up with knife in hand,
poking a heavy cookie jar's base on top of the fridge.
camera pans from one of the stool's legs up to the
cookie jar. -canned laughter is heard, followed by a
loving sigh, then a subtle gasp as the pretend
audiences reaction changes with each glipse of the
impending danger-
danny tanner enters the room from the living room
entrance at the left.
danny: oh my god!... i totally forgot about the wake
up san francisco’s review in today's paper!
-canned laughter-
he runs out the kitchen door and returns holding a
newspaper. he is unaware of the danger to his right.
danny: (frantically turning the pages) ah, here it is.
(he begins to read out loud) danny is good... finally
the recognition i deserve! ...but rebecca is the real
star of the show!!! (with increasing anger) what? but
i'm the one that writes the show INCLUDING her lines!
all that she ever does is just sit there and look
pretty while reading off the teleprompter! THEN when
i'm slaving away in the office, she's in MY home,
eating MY food, playing with MY kids, and fucking MY
brother-in-law on MY dead wife's bed! well, i'm not
going to take it anymore! I'LL KILL THAT FREELOADING
BITCH AND WHOEVER HEARS ME SAY THIS!
cut to inside of d.j. tanner's room
d.j. is seen placing pins on kimmy gibler's vest.
kimmy: boy deej your dad sure does sound mad.
d.j: someone probably left a grain of salt on the
table or something, you know how totally aware of
everything around him he is.
-canned laughter-
kimmy: now where were we, before we so RUDELY
interrupted? (slyly) oh yes, you were just about to
lick my nipples...
d.j.: but what about steve?
kimmy: who cares about him? i mean you just met him,
and you've known me what like your whole life? plus he
thinks you're a big fatty. -canned laughter- come on,
he doesn't have to know anyway.
d.j.: but if he ever did, he'd...HE'D KILL ME!
kimmy: well then we'll just have to be quiet. i won't
scream if you don't...
-canned wooh-
d.j. locks the door and cautiously looks at kimmy.
-cliffhanger music plays-
fade out for commercial
fade in on d.j. -cliffhanger music plays again-
d.j.: (unsurely) i'm still not sure...
kimmy: come on d.j. we're teens, we're supposed to
experiment. so, what do you think? (she aggressively
rubs d.j.'s crotch) doesn't that feel good?
d.j.: (nervously) what about stephanie! this is her
room too! i mean what if she wants to come in?
kimmy: relax, i haven't seen the shrimp all day. who
cares about her anyway?
cuts to stephanie in the bathroom
stephanie: nobody cares about me.
-canned laughter-
stephanie: so that's it mr. bear, i'm killing myself.
let's see, rope: check, razor blade: check, tub full
of water: check, rat poison: check. hmm...i wonder how
all of this stuff works? i wish mom were here to show
me how, dad says killing herself was the only thing
she ever did right!
-canned laughter-
stephanie- well goodbye mr. bear. i sure hope dad
doesn't find out, or i'd be in big trouble mister!
-canned aww-
stephanie: (running a razor blade under water) this
will show everyone for not spending time with me! i
wanted to play candyland, but dad was too busy with
that reporter, and d.j. was too busy watching
michelle, and gibler...well i never liked her anyway,
and uncle joey and jesse were too busy on that road
trip with rebecca. so you see mr. bear, nobody likes
me. (places razor blade to her wrist) this is all
there fault!
cut to joey, jesse, and rebecca in a car crossing the
san francisco bridge. jesse is driving, joey is in the
passenger seat, and rebecca is sitting in the middle
of the back seat.
jesse: this is all your fault!
-canned laughter-
joey: my fault? if you weren't so worried about
scratching your precious car, we would've been on time
for that meeting at the ad agency! but nooooooo (in
bullwinkle voice) someone had to be dumb and insist on
parking in a lot across town, instead on the one on
the same street.
-canned laughter-
jesse: i'm not going to trust my 1957 bel air on a
street with all of those gay clubs! the last thing i
need is a bunch of faggots spraying their semen on my
interior!
-canned laughter-
jesse: besides i'm not the one who forgot the jingle
tape!
jesse and joey start to argue. their screaming
overlaps each other and becomes increasingly louder.
rebecca: boys! boys! boys! (arguing stops) if anyone
should be mad here it's me! while you two were off
fucking around with a stupid peanut butter jingle, i
was waiting hours after my segment shoot was already
over WHILE PREGNANT WITH TWINS! i'm tired! i'm cranky!
and i just want to get home!
joey: well i coulda told you that.
jesse: have mercy! that's my wife you're talking to!
jesse lets go of the steering wheel and attacks joey,
the car starts to swerve, and rebecca
screams.-increasing danger music starts to play-
fade out for commercial
fade in on danny in the kitchen still reading the
paper.
danny: oh ziggy, you kill me!
-canned laughter and a loud racket is heard-
danny looks over and sees michelle lying on the ground
grasping a cookie jar.
danny: oh, honey!
he runs over, lifts off the cookie jar, and sees a
knife handle jabbed into her chest. danny begins
crying over her dead body.
off to the right a bloody hand hits the kitchen door.
the handle turns, and rebecca enters crawling.
rebecca: danny...danny...
zoom in on danny's face. he hears her, but is too
angry to look.
rebecca: we were (gasp) in an accident. joey and jesse
are dead (gasp)... but i crawled here to get help.
danny: (angery) you take my show away from me, my
house, and now you take my brothers?
danny grasps the knife handle, slowly removes it from
the corpse, and stands up.
danny: (griding his teeth) as joey would say, you need
to cut (stab) it (stab) out (stab).
danny stands betwwen the four dead bodies.
danny: oh my god! they are going to think i killed my
darling daughter! no wait! i'll
explain...uh...stephanie...no uh...rebecca um grabbed
a knife and uh in a pregnant rage of unbalanced
hormones killed michelle because...because she was
angry that she was having twin boys and jealous of my
little angel! no! no! i'm going to jail. (danny sits
down) boy this kitchen hasn't been this dirty since
the girls used the blender with the top off. then i
slaved all day cleaning that mess and joey and jessy
didn't even care! they didn't even notice!...that's
it! if i clean up the blood and hide the bodies, no
one will ever notice! ha ha! i'll just go get some
supplies from the bathroom.
danny runs up the stairs, cuts to upper level. he
opens the bathroom door on the right. cuts to
stephanie sitting in the bathtub filled with rat
poison with a rope tied to her hand and blood running
down the other.
danny: jesus! why stephanie! why today!
cuts to inside of d.j.'s room. kimmy and d.j. are
seated on the floor facing each other. kimmy has her
hands placed on d'j.'s while she takes off her vest.
d.j. quits as she hears her dad yelling.
d.j.: i just can't concentrate while my dad yells at
stephanie!
kimmy: i'm sure he'll stop in a second. if he's
anything like my dad he'll just get tired of hitting
her and pass out in a drunken stooper.
-canned laughter-
d.j.: no, when he starts yelling at her it usually
lasts for hours, because she's the middle one and he
loves her the least.
kimmy: you're exagerating! here, i'll just start for
ya.
kimmy removes her vest and lifts off her shirt
exposing her bare chest. she grasps d.j.'s hands and
places them on her breasts. she starts circling them
until her nipples are erect.
kimmy: see how hard my nipples are, pick up those two
buttons, there's something i want you to do.
d.j. picks up an alf and a new kids on the block
button.
kimmy: great. now undo the pins in the back.
zoom in as d.j. undoes the backs. pan to kimmy's
breasts.
kimmy: now slowly pierce my nipples.
zoom out to sitting couple.
d.j.: are you crazy!?! there is no way i'm doing that!
kimmy: remember in 8th grade when you wanted your ears
pierced, but your dad wouldn't let you. who pierced
them for you?
d.j.: you did...but this is totally different!
kimmy: i know, because i love you now.
-canned woo-
kimmy moves forward, then walks with her hands until
she is on top of d.j., she lies on the ground with
kimmy above her, arms straightened. kimmy leans in
closer and closer. -impending danger music plays-
fades to commercial
fades in, the camera pans up as d.j. pulls her panties
up. then cuts to d.j. standing next to the bed with
kimmy lying underneath the covers.
kimmy: so how was your first lesbian experience?
d.j.: really wet.
-canned laughter-
kimmy: well the girls' bowling squad doesn't call me
gushy gibler for nothin'.
-canned laughter-
d.j.: kimmy shouldn't you get home?
kimmy: well, i'd rather sleep over now that we're
slippery sisters and all.
-canned laughter-
d.j.: whatever kimmy, just stay on your side.
d.j. lifts up the cover to get in bed.
d.j.: are you really going to go to bed like that?
kimmy: why not? i always sleep in the nude; my mom
says it keeps the moths away.
-canned laughter-
d.j.: that sight would keep anything away.
-canned laughter-
kimmy: what's that deej?
d.j.: i said goodnight kimmy.
kimmy: goodnight "tight tanner".
-canned woo-
cuts to outside view of the house. -transition music
plays as the scene fades out- fade in to the house in
the daytime.
cuts to danny standing in a spotless kitchen.
danny: all clean! boy whenever they say mr. clean is a
life saver, they mean he's really a life saver!
-canned laughter- a knock is heard at the front door.
danny runs from the kitchen and into the living room.
danny: stay cool danny, just stay cool.
he answers the door, steve is standing there.
steve: hi mr. tanner, is d.j. home?
danny: i didn't kill anyone!
-canned laughter-
danny: i mean, she's in her room...and i just wanted
to share the fact that i haven't killed anyone...EVER!
i mean in today's world people automatically assume
that if you're on t.v. you must have killed at least
one person! i mean with o.j. and puff diddy and p.
daddy you know? i mean people just jump to conclusions
because i'm on t.v., when they should actually be
looking out for those dirty blacks!
-canned ooh-
steve: so d.j.'s in her room?
danny: yeah, just go on up. oh and watch your step, i
mean i wouldn't want you tripping and breaking your
neck or anything, because they would probably accuse
me of killing you, and being on t.v. and all no lawyer
could ever get me off! he he he
-canned laughter-
steve: (confused) ok mr. tanner i will.
steve exits into the kitchen. danny sits down on the
couch.
danny: well, that went well. sigh.
cuts to outside d.j.'s room, steve knocks on the door.
steve: d.j., you in there.
cuts to inside of d.j.'s room. the two girls are still
in bed together.
d.j.: it's steve! you've got to hide!
kimmy fumbles out of bed with her arms covering her
chest and falls on her face.
d.j.: be right with you steve!...in here.
kimmy enters the closet and d.j. shuts the door. she
then walks over and let's steve in.
d.j.: hi steve!
steve: it smells a little funny in here, like the
fishing docks or something?
-canned laughter-
d.j.: oh, that must be my breath. i love fish! i can't
get enough of that fish!
-canned laughter-
steve: (picking up the vest) no, there's something
else fishy going on here. since when do you wear
buttons?
d.j.: since always. i guess you just never noticed,
like how you didn't notice when i got that haircut
last week.
steve: you only took an eighth of an inch off.
-canned laughter-
steve: ok. ok! then why are you so sweaty?
d.j.: well you know hot hot that george michael poster
makes me!
steve: oh really? maybe i can cool you off.
-canned woo- steve and d.j. move toward the bed. they
start kissing when sneezing is heard.
steve: what was that?
d.j.: that was me! allergies.
steve: i think i would've noticed if you sneezed while
kissing me.
sneezing heard.
steve: there it is again!
steve turns around and opens the closet door to reveal
kimmy naked with the buttons on her breasts.
kimmy: hi steve-o!
steve: gibler? d.j.? you and gibler?
d.j.: it's not what you think.
kimmy: unless you're thinkin' that we licked and
grinded each other like crazy last night.
-canned laughter-
steve: i can't belive you! with...with...GIBLER! you
fat ugly bitch!
steve charges at d.j. and pushes her out the window.
it shatters and makes a loud noise.
cut to danny in the living room.
danny: d.j.? what was that?
he runs up the stairs. cuts to inside of d.j.'s room.
danny: what the hell is going on!?!
kimmy: steve pushed your lesbo daughter out the window
sir.
steve: i'm...i'm...sorry.
danny: not as sorry as you're gonna be mister!
danny picks up a piece of broken glass and stabs steve
in the stomach, then pushes him out the window. he
turns around and sees kimmy.
danny: and gibler, what are you doing here?
kimmy: (as she picks up her clothes) um, i was just
leaving...
danny: not so fast! i've dreamt of killing you
everyday for the past 14 years. i've already killed
four people today, but you, oh YOU i will enjoy the
most...
cuts to kimmy gagged, blindfolded, and tied to a chair
in the backyard with danny next to her.
danny: (putting a shirt with a target on it over
kimmy's head) you see kimmy, no one will ever know
that it's you. millions of people will just laugh and
laugh why you suffer! it's perfect!
danny then puts a jackolope head on top of her's and
begins duct-taping it on. he then pins the shirt to
the bottom of the head.
danny: just give me one second to get ready...
cuts to low quality footage of danny chasing the
jackolope in fast motion. danny is holding a bow and
arrow and the jackolope's arms are tied. -audience
laughter is heard-
voiceover: i'll catch you you blasted jackolope!
jackolope: fast as fast can be, you'll never catch me!
hee hee hee.
voiceover: ooh yeah!
danny pulls back the arrow and fires it into kimmy's
chest.
voiceover: bull's eye hyuck hyuck hyuck!
cuts to jackolope head with red x's over it's eyes.
-coo-coo coo-coo noise heard-
cuts to jackolope in his room. he suddenly awakes and
sits up in bed.
jackolope: what a nightmare! i sure am glad things are
back to normal hee hee hee.
pans up to danny's head on a plaque above his bed.
-jackolope's hee hee hee is still heard while
audiences applause blends with it-
cuts to bob saget holding a microphone.
bob: why that might be the funniest jackolope
installment ever! how did you come up with it?
bob leans down and puts the microphone up to danny's
face. danny is seen sitting amongst a television
audience on the set of america's funniest home videos.
danny: well, i had the idea in my mind for about
fourteen years, and once i saw the jackolope sketches
on this show...well the two just seemed right for each
other.
bob: fascinating. you know what else is fascinating,
how much we look alike!
danny: yeah i get that all the time, and i'm like
"come on, i'm not that sexy!"
-audience applause-
bob: what? clearly you are the better looking one!
-audience applause-
the two men continue laughing, lock eyes, start to
lose their smiles, lean in, and begin to open mouth
kiss. the still is freeze framed and an inverted pink
heart shape appears around the two. "the end" is then
written in cursive lettering in the center.
ALTERNATE ENDING 1
cont.
danny: not so fast! i've dreamt of killing you
everyday for the past 14 years. i've already killed
four people today, but you, oh YOU i will enjoy the
most...
cuts to still of the outside of the smash club at
night
cuts to the inside of the club. it is filled with
dancing teenagers rocking out to the band "human
pudding". -loud rock music heard-
pans over and zooms in on danny and bartender behind
the bar.
bartender: wow danny i've never seen so many kids in
here!
danny: i know!
bartender: i mean whenever jesse ran this place, we
were lucky if even ten people showed up. and now look,
this place is packed! what's your secret?
danny: i guess this place just needed a little change.
a teen-aged girl approaches the bar.
girl: i'll have a kimmy burger and a coke.
bartender: that's your 50th order today! what's in
those things, cocaine?
-canned laughter-
danny: nope, just an old tanner family secret...a
tanner family secret.
zoom out to teens eating kimmy burgers in dining
booths.
ALTERNATE ENDING 2
cont.
danny: not so fast! i've dreamt of killing you
everyday for the past 14 years. i've already killed
four people today, but you, oh YOU i will enjoy the
most...
fade out in d.j.'s room.
fade in on close up of danny at dinner. he is in the
kitchen at night.
danny: hmm i sure do cook a mean pork chop huh kimmy?
zooms out to entire tanner family's corpses sitting in
chairs around the table. kimmy is sitting accross from
danny tied to a chair and gagged. -canned laughter-
danny: what's that kimmy? you don't like it? well you
better get used to it, because you'll be eating dinner
with us every night for the rest of your life!
a knock is heard on the kitchn door.
danny: i wasn't expecting company. nobody move, i'll
get it...
-canned laughter-
danny opens the door and ziggy walks in.
ziggy: if you thought i killed you before, just wait!
any last words?
danny: i hate mondays.
-canned laughter-
ziggy grabs a dinner knife and stabs danny. he
approaches kimmy.
ziggy: well hello there miss. since i don't wear
pants, and you are tied up, this should be pretty
easy...
zoom in on kimmy's frightened face. -canned laughter-
ALTERNATE ENDING 3
danny switches his identity with bob sagat's. bob is
blamed for the brutal murders of eight people, and
danny retires from television and lives out the rest
of his days singing backup for the beach boys on a
tropical island.
ALTERNATE ENDING 4
danny gets life in prison, is overwhelmed by the
uncleanliness of his cell, and goes insane.
MORAL OF THE STORY: for god's sake never ever begin a
letter with an opening of full house! i kept telling
myself that i'd eventually transition into my real
letter, BUT NO it kept going and going and still is as
i'm typing! i mean 10 pages and 4 alternate endings
later, i'm still not even close to anything that could
possibly be related to any facet of my actual life
what-so-ever! oy, you've been warned.
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Strangers with candy was an awsome show
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